A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced scouse woman walks into ALDI (cheapo no brand name supermarket) with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to ALDI - nice children you've got there -- are they twins?"
The fat ugly scouse woman stops screaming long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, ya nob head?"
"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would fuck you twice!

What do you call a scouser with a job?  A liar.

Why wasn't Jesus born in Merseyside?
Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin..       

Which three football teams have swear words in their names?
Scunthorpe United, Arsenal and fucking Liverpool.

What's the difference between Batman and a Scouser?
Batman can go anywhere without Robin.

A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over whom should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.
The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her.
When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.
After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.
After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the LIVERPOOL football team , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.